Blue and Gold
by fakiagirl
Summary: [KuroFai, Oneshot, Songfic] Kurogane wakes up one morning to find Fai gone and realizes his true feelings. Song,  A Lack of Color.


**Disclaimer: **_Tsubasa _and its characters are not mine. They are Copyrighted by CLAMP. Yup. And this is a songfic to the song _A Lack of Color _by Death Cab for Cutie, so naturally, the song is theirs (and that means the lyrics).

**_Author's Note: _**Hey ya everyone! Sorry it's been a while. I blame my creativity; I'm currently working on six fanfics now that I'm done with this one. Yeah, overachiever, I know. Which means I am going over the achievement level for sane people. Great. Really makes my day, you know? Yeah.

Okay, so this is about Kurogane and Fai. Any questions? Oh, and I spell Fai's name the way I do (rather than Fay, Fye, etc.) because that is how it is spelled in the Del-Ray translated-into-English version of the manga, and I think it is the most obvious choice about how to pronounce it phonetically ("fay" in English is basically a fairy, and at a glance "Fye" looks kind of hard to figure out, whereas "Fai" is pretty clear if you know that in Japanese a+i equals long "I.").

Again, with some serious speed-reading and a pause button you could probably read this while listening to the song (it sort of completes the experience).

Edited by Shadow Neko Yumi; thank her for the correct spelling of Mokona and the resolving of weird little grammar issues.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Blue and Gold_

- - - - -

_He was . . . somewhere. He could hear the waves in the distance, feel the warmth of the sun. And there was someone else there, too. But all he could see was the blue sky. Blue . . . such a nice color. And the warmth . . . it felt golden, like the sand. _

_Blue and gold . . . _

_He could tell who was there with him, even before that smiling face entered his vision. _

**And when I see you  
I really see you upside down**

_Those eyes, that blue, that sky blue; you could get lost there, if you weren't careful. But that golden smile . . . he knew that smile, loved that smile. Sometimes, it didn't seem sincere, like it was just covering up something else. But this was genuine, and he could never remember feeling like this before. Happy. Not alone . . . _

**  
But my brain knows better**

_He reached for the smile, and felt it slip through his fingers, like sand. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't remember what it was. _

**  
It picks you up and turns you around**

_Then the warmth faded, and the blue and gold just . . . disappeared. _

**Turns you around, turns you around**

Kurogane opened his eyes.

**If you feel discouraged  
That there's a lack of color here**

It took a moment for him to realize where he was, and regretted taking the effort to do so. He wanted to go back to the dream, go back to that feeling. He had never quite felt that before, that feeling of utmost content. He half expected Fai to appear, to give him that golden smile, framed against the blue of the sky. But, no; there was certainly no sand here, no waves, no warmth.

No Fai.

Kurogane sat up quite suddenly at that.

**  
Please don't worry lover  
It's really bursting at the seams**

He thought for a moment that, surely, he was just imagining things. Fai was here, about to come in the room, preceded by that manju Makona Madoki, and wake him up with a chorused "Kuro-puu!" But no Fai appeared.

The house, Kurogane realized, felt strangely empty. He could tell the two kids were still asleep, as they should be; Sakura would not be up for a long while yet, and Syaoran never woke up before Kurogane and Fai. Fai would be up now, but he never made any noise except when he wanted to. Even so, Kurogane could tell; Fai was not here.

**  
Absorbing everything  
The spectrum's a to z**

He got out of bed, going through his morning routine without even thinking about it. He walked out of his room as if in a dream and found that he had ended up in Fai's room. It was empty; Makona had elected to stay with the princess during the night at Syaoran's request. That coat the idiot was always wearing was gone, and as that was practically all he owned, there was little else in the room at all. He left it as it was. There was nothing in there to tell him where or why Fai had gone. But that was not what mattered. What mattered was that he was gone at all.

He passed by other rooms on his way to the kitchen. He found himself looking for a tall, thin man standing, perhaps there; a head crowned with pale gold hair here; perhaps a glint of blue over that way. He shook his head, but the images in his mind's eye did not fade.

Always full of color, full of life. He had been wrong, that one time. It had not been Fai who had been taking his life for granted. It had been him. Kurogane.

**This is fact not fiction  
For the first time in years**

The kitchen was deserted; that was not right, not as it should be. Kurogane sat down on one of the stools at the counter anyway. He didn't do anything; he just sat a moment in silence.

He looked at his hands. Calloused, of course; you couldn't leave a life full of fighting with lily-soft hands. Strong, as well; he was a swordsman, after all. Large, he supposed. There wasn't much that was graceful or delicate about them. Sword-fighting, it was true, did require a certain amount of grace. But like the sword, any appearance of delicateness was in appearance only.

Fai was like that. His lanky appearance, that soft pale hair, gave that appearance of delicateness. In his smile, one could see only innocence. Look in his eyes, though, eyes like the sea . . .

In his eyes, you could see his heart.

He was so lonely. He dealt with his burdens because he had to, lest he break. He had been tempered out of necessity, not out of choice. He should not bear his burdens alone, but he did anyway. What an idiot. He should not live like that.

But Kurogane's hands, no matter how strong they were, could not hold Fai here, no more than he could hold onto sand, no more than he could hold onto the sea.

**  
And all the girls in every girly magazine  
Can't make me feel any less alone**

In front of him was that stupid magazine he had got in that one world. He had hid it on his person when they left there, but Mokona had found it and he and Fai had giggled over it when Kurogane wasn't there. They would start up again whenever they saw him reading it, and it had taken him two weeks before Mokona told him why. Kurogane gave it no more than a glance before pushing it away.

This was where he always sat to eat breakfast. Fai always had something cooked, and it was always delicious, though too sweet, he had thought at first. Always . . . but not now. Kurogane sat alone at the counter and stared at its surface in silence.

He just wanted that bright smile to appear. That was all.

**  
I'm reaching for the phone**  
**To call at 7:03**

**And on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home**

Kurogane never begged for anything. But right now, he wanted nothing more than to beg Fai to come back. Not that it would do any good. He had no doubt that if Fai truly decided to do something with his life, no one would be able to stop him.

But he _had _been doing something with his life. Why would he leave this behind? Why would he leave Kurogane behind?

Perhaps the real question was; why wouldn't he?

**  
But I know it's too late**

It felt as if he had slipped, somehow, or the floor had been disappeared from under him. It was a feeling of utter helplessness.

**  
I should have given you a reason to stay**

He could always run out the door, find that idiot mage, and convince him to come back.

**  
Given you a reason to stay**

And if Fai would not listen to reason, well then, he would just be carried back here forcibly. Undignified, as suited that idiot.

**Given you a reason to stay**

But they all rang false; those plans of action were just fantasies, unrealistic, not worth wasting time over. They wouldn't really work, he knew.

**Given you a reason to stay**

And he was too afraid to even try.

Any man who carries a weapon should be prepared to die by one. He had told someone that once, hadn't he? It was one of the rules he lived by. He had thought he hardly feared anything. Death? He had killed too many to be frightened of that. Perhaps he did not want to die, but he was prepared to.

Should anyone with something precious be prepared to loose it? That was what that saying really meant, after all. But now he had found something too precious to him to bear loosing. And now he did not know what to do.

He was not prepared to loose Fai. He realized that now. Not only that; he was terrified of loosing him. And yet, he was also desperately afraid of what would happen if Fai came back. How could that be?

He realized what he had wanted to tell Fai, those three words that seemed to sit on his tongue, just waiting to be said. And now he couldn't say them . . .

**This is fact not fiction  
For the first time in years **

The door opened. Kurogane's head jerked up, though he didn't need to see to know who it was; that soft footstep spoke of that well enough. Kurogane stood up slowly.

"Hm? You aren't going to welcome me home?" inquired the man in the doorway, a bright smile lighting up the room.

Kurogane said nothing.

"And not even ask me where I've been?" he asked softly, giving him a small, sad smile.

That steady gaze did not waver. "Why did you come back?"

"Kuro-puu, you should -"

"Why did you come back?" Kurogane repeated harshly.

"Oh, Kuro-wan-wan, you know -"

"Just say it."

Fai's falsely-cheerful expression disappeared and he met that red gaze just as steadily. Kurogane looked into those eyes, the blue eyes that drew him in so easily. On the surface, they looked almost translucent, like shallow water. But in their centers, in those dark pools of black, lay the endless pit. And at its bottom? That was where the true Fai was. And he was the one who looked out of them now.

"What? Can't you?" snarled Kurogane half-heartedly.

"Do you need me to? Or would it just make you feel better?" His voice was quiet, almost emotionless.

Kurogane had never seen Fai like this; brutally honest. This Fai scared him.

There seemed to be far too many things he was scared of all of a sudden. That was weakness; weakness meant death in his job.

Fai's eyes widened, shocked enough to show some real expression. "What are you doing?"

Kurogane knelt on the cold floor, his head lowered. "I will protect you whenever you are in danger, with all my strength, whenever it is within my power to do so, even if it means sacrificing my own life in exchange for yours." Kurogane raised his eyes. "So I swear to you, Fai D. Flowright." His expression was hard and determined.

Fai stared, stunned. Then his expression softened, and he knelt so he and Kurogane were eye-to-eye. "And I swear the same to you, Kurogane."

The ninja started, and then scowled, trying to make Fai take it back by shear force of will. "But that destroys my purpose! I -" He froze, his eyes locked on empty air. He felt a breath on his left ear, and his eyes darted to his left. "Damn mage! How do you manage to move so quickly?"

"Kurogane," murmured Fai. He turned his head slightly so their eyes met. Their faces were so close Kurogane could feel his every breath.

"I came back because I love you."

"Fai . . ." Kurogane swallowed. Then, so softly he didn't know if it was audible; "I love you." But Fai heard, for a soft smile crossed his lips. A true smile.

For a moment, Kurogane could have sworn that he heard the rushing of the sea and felt the sand beneath him. He could have, but all he could see was blue and gold.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

**_Author's Note: _**So, what'd you think? Sorry if I went a bit over-dramatic and OOC at the end. But it was fun to . . . try . . . to write a semi-angsty fanfic. Fai and Kuro-puu are just made for angst.


End file.
